I was reading back through my journal and stumbled upon something I wrote on December 21st...a week before I realized a certain someone no longer had a hold on my heart. Just days before I found out information that only reassured me that I had made the right decision and should continue letting go, even as a friend. I don't know if anyone really reads what I have to say or what I have on my heart, but if you are thank you.
I hope you can respect my honesty and with that, I'll give you a peek at one of the first steps I took in completely guarding my heart and allowing only God to hold the key...until one day it's ready to be open again by my prince.
"So today I have been facing major anxiety over something I need to let go of and something I have no control over. I know I will have my good days and bad days, but I cannot help but worry about someone I once cared so much about. I fear for his life, decisions, mind and heart. I cannot control his actions, not anymore. I know he needs to fall in his own way...I just don't want to watch it happen. Lord, I know you have Your hands on him and I just want to let go...he is out of my hands and in yours."
That was my prayer, that was my heart crying out. That was what I had to lift off my heart and place in God's hands, not as an ex-girl friend, not as an ex-best friend, not even for him...but for me. For me to let go and let God. For me to lift up a brother in Christ and allow myself to move forward on MY journey with Jesus. For me to forgive.
You see, I let fear of my past and fear of what I could not change allow me to waver...something that only detours a path. I allowed fear to take over and allow me to turn my eyes away from the prize, for even a brief second. When all of this anxiety and fear started to take over, I thought back to a Gracemail Pastor Mark sent out the week before and how he talked about fear. Here is what I took from it:
"So he answered, 'Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.'" - 2 Kings 6:16
"Fear knocked at the door, Faith answered, and there was no one there" - Unknown
("It's all in how you approach things. If you cave into fear, it will overwhelm you; if you stand firm in God's strength, it will retreat." - Pastor Mark Martin)
"God incarnate is the end of fear, and the heart that realizes that He is in the midst will be quiet in the midst of alarm." - F.B. Meyer
"For I hold you by your right hand - I the Lord your God. And I say to you, 'Don't be afraid, I am here to help you.'" - Isaiah 41:13
The Bible says "DO NOT FEAR" 366 times, once a day including a leap year. God has our lives covered - Do Not Fear. God is our strength.
"Fear is the sand in the machinery of life." - E. Stanley Jones He also said, "Fear will mess you up. It is grit in your life, and you do not need it...AMEN!"
"Do Not Fear" - It is a choice and you can't choose fear, Faith will win every time.
Once I gave up the fear of what tomorrow would bring and the fear of "what if" moments...I was able to fully move forward. People may think I'm crazy, and should not be moving forward as quick as I am, but I've come to realize that I have a shield much greater than anything I could ever imagine. I've realized that God had been preparing me for that moment in November...to learn to trust Him and stop fighting His desires for me just so I could remain "comfortable". I've learned being "comfortable" does not allow you to live life to the fullest, as Christ wants us to. (John 10:10) It has allowed me to not fear my past and let go of present feelings about the past. It allowed me use my story as a testimony and not something to mourn over.
I do not regret a moment in the last five years of my life, learning to love, learning to trust, and learning to grow. I don't regret getting to know someone, getting to lead them and walk with them to Christ, and I definitely don't regret finally listening to my heart and letting go. There was a reason God brought us together and there is a reason God brought us apart, and for that I cannot regret. I've learned to forgive from my heart and live the life God has planned for me.
I've learned to trust the one person that eliminates fear, and guess what...FAITH won!
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