Can't Keep Pretending

So I have been trying to think of something to write about in hopes of keeping the streak alive, but couldn't think of anything. UNTIL, earlier in the week I had a customer come to my teller window and share something with me that really got me to start thinking.

I love my job and the fact that we are community based and are enabled to build relationships with our customers. You may think, "Whats the big deal, you work at a bank and you're just a teller." Yes, that is true; however I have come to learn that in my experience I use to dread going to the bank but knew I needed to because my money was important...and people's money is important to them.

I see customers come and go with the occasional conversation and catch up on how life has been going and what not. General questions like, "Hey how is it going", "How was your weekend/day", "How are the kids doing" and so on. How many times have we been asked those questions and give just a basic response like, "I'm good, things are good, life is good, how are you?". Do you ever wonder what it would be like if someone gave a response you were not expecting and how you would react? Maybe it has happened before. Well for me it happened earlier this week.

A customer I have come to know occasionally over the last year has been coming in almost weekly the last month or so. Every time I see her, I greet her by her name and ask the general, "Hi how you?". Every time she responds the same, sometimes even with a little humor, but nonetheless she says she is fine. I go about doing her transactions, asking about her son and her new dog he got her and she could go on for hours if time allowed talking about them both. Every time she leaves me with a friendly "See ya later" and a smile, and we both go about our day.

Well this week was different, this week I had to tell her as she made her deposit, that her account had gone negative do to excessive overdraft fees (almost $500 in fees). She looked at me in shock. Her response was, "I knew it was going to be negative, but I didn't know by this much...I really don't know what to do." I've heard people explain why their account went negative or why they tried to spend money they did not have, but nothing like this.

Immediately she broke down in tears, right there at my teller window. The bright bubbly lady that always tells me everything is fine, was breaking down and sharing her story with ME. Truth is, over the last year she was diagnosed with breast cancer and a few months ago she had to have a bilateral mastectomy (both breasts removed). I had no idea. She went on to say that since the procedure she has not been herself as she has tried to face the physical pain of it all, and banking was the last thing on her mind. She told me that she always told everyone she was fine because she didn't want people to think she was weak, but now she doesn't know what to do.

In her case, she needed our help. She explained that she had finally woke up and had been without pain for a few days now and felt like she was ready to get back on her feet. She felt that she was ready to look for a job, be a mom, and be a grandma again. She went on to tell me that she pretended to be okay, even to her family. When she finally expressed that she was in pain (months later) her son didn't know how to take it, because she had acted and said she was okay for so long.

Have you ever been in that type of situation? Ever feel like you have to put on a brave face because you either don't want to let anyone in or you don't want people to think you are weak? Have you ever, after pretending for so long, try to be honest and they weren't sure how to respond because they were use to everything being 'just fine'? However if you let someone in, they can help pull you out. By pretending, we only mask the hurt or devastation we are feeling. By pretending, we are purposefully leaving our self alone to deal with the situation. As she turned to leave that afternoon, she left me with the simple phrase, "Don't Pretend."

As I thought about this conversation and that two word phrase, I compared it to a similar situation I have been praying about and trying to make a decision with. Out of four open teller windows she choose to come to me and share her story with me and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I've come to notice that in many ways I've pretended, and all for what? It only masks the truth and those who really know you, know the truth.

I've come to learn that God works in crazy, unexplainable, and purposeful ways. Just when you think you cannot listen anymore, he shows you otherwise. Just when I thought I was suppose to be getting something completely different out of the prayer I had been betting on, He showed me otherwise. He doesn't want us to pretend, and even when we are He knows the truth...so really who are we trying to hide from?

"For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy. Jesus has already done everything to make me right before God. The Holy Spirit continues to make me more like Jesus every day of my life. The finish line is when I enter eternity with my Savior. Until then I must remember everyday that I need a Savior." - Hebrews 10:14

Fear vs. Faith

And FAITH wins every time.

I was reading back through my journal and stumbled upon something I wrote on December 21st...a week before I realized a certain someone no longer had a hold on my heart. Just days before I found out information that only reassured me that I had made the right decision and should continue letting go, even as a friend. I don't know if anyone really reads what I have to say or what I have on my heart, but if you are thank you.
I hope you can respect my honesty and with that, I'll give you a peek at one of the first steps I took in completely guarding my heart and allowing only God to hold the key...until one day it's ready to be open again by my prince.

"So today I have been facing major anxiety over something I need to let go of and something I have no control over. I know I will have my good days and bad days, but I cannot help but worry about someone I once cared so much about. I fear for his life, decisions, mind and heart. I cannot control his actions, not anymore. I know he needs to fall in his own way...I just don't want to watch it happen. Lord, I know you have Your hands on him and I just want to let go...he is out of my hands and in yours."


That was my prayer, that was my heart crying out. That was what I had to lift off my heart and place in God's hands, not as an ex-girl friend, not as an ex-best friend, not even for him...but for me. For me to let go and let God. For me to lift up a brother in Christ and allow myself to move forward on MY journey with Jesus. For me to forgive.

You see, I let fear of my past and fear of what I could not change allow me to waver...something that only detours a path. I allowed fear to take over and allow me to turn my eyes away from the prize, for even a brief second. When all of this anxiety and fear started to take over, I thought back to a Gracemail Pastor Mark sent out the week before and how he talked about fear. Here is what I took from it:

"So he answered, 'Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.'" - 2 Kings 6:16

"Fear knocked at the door, Faith answered, and there was no one there" - Unknown
("It's all in how you approach things. If you cave into fear, it will overwhelm you; if you stand firm in God's strength, it will retreat." - Pastor Mark Martin)

"God incarnate is the end of fear, and the heart that realizes that He is in the midst will be quiet in the midst of alarm." - F.B. Meyer

"For I hold you by your right hand - I the Lord your God. And I say to you, 'Don't be afraid, I am here to help you.'" - Isaiah 41:13

The Bible says "DO NOT FEAR" 366 times, once a day including a leap year. God has our lives covered - Do Not Fear. God is our strength.

"Fear is the sand in the machinery of life." - E. Stanley Jones He also said, "Fear will mess you up. It is grit in your life, and you do not need it...AMEN!"

"Do Not Fear" - It is a choice and you can't choose fear, Faith will win every time.


Once I gave up the fear of what tomorrow would bring and the fear of "what if" moments...I was able to fully move forward. People may think I'm crazy, and should not be moving forward as quick as I am, but I've come to realize that I have a shield much greater than anything I could ever imagine. I've realized that God had been preparing me for that moment in November...to learn to trust Him and stop fighting His desires for me just so I could remain "comfortable". I've learned being "comfortable" does not allow you to live life to the fullest, as Christ wants us to. (John 10:10) It has allowed me to not fear my past and let go of present feelings about the past. It allowed me use my story as a testimony and not something to mourn over.

I do not regret a moment in the last five years of my life, learning to love, learning to trust, and learning to grow. I don't regret getting to know someone, getting to lead them and walk with them to Christ, and I definitely don't regret finally listening to my heart and letting go. There was a reason God brought us together and there is a reason God brought us apart, and for that I cannot regret. I've learned to forgive from my heart and live the life God has planned for me.
I've learned to trust the one person that eliminates fear, and guess what...FAITH won!