Every time I am up at camp I learn something new, it never fails....just like Jesus' love. Two weekends ago I was up at winter camp 2010 and it was the weirdest trip I have been a part of. All of the other leaders and of coarse my girls were absolutely amazing, but I was facing a spiritual battle (including the week leading up to camp).
To speed you up to the present, I had to let someone close to me go, because they weren't the person I once knew. It did not mean I did not love them any less, however I knew for my own sanity and heart it was something that had to be done; and it was one of the hardest conversations I ever had to do. Brokenness is never easy to overcome, especially in the situation I was in, but I knew God was holding me and my heart.
The week before camp I was exhausted...physically, mentally, and spiritually. The night before we left, I came home from work, fell asleep on my bed that had laundry sprawled out needing to be packed, and woke up the next day still in my work clothes. I kept praying for the strength and courage to face the weekend, knowing I was going to have to face the person that broke my heart. Once at camp I felt relief and a sense of calming, however I was always nervous of what was in store with every conversation and every situation. Eventually everything caught up to me, the exhaustion, the stress, the fear and I had to break down and ask for help. With tears streaming down my face, I asked my friend to pray for me and help me when I could no longer help myself. At that moment I could literally feel the weight of the brokenness and hurt be lifted off my heart and shoulders and I had a new found strength...God took upon my yoke.
About an hour later came my favorite part of camp, even as a leader. It was the 15 minute quiet time...time to spend with God. Can you imagine a camp of 500+ people go from absolute chaos during the day to absolute silence for 15 minutes! It is always an incredible experience, and this is what I came to realize...
During my 15 minutes, I was expecting to cry (since that is what I was doing just an hour before). I took the time to lay and look up at the stars (and of coarse shiver). I was, for the first time in weeks, able to pray with a clear head and not have a million and one things running though my mind all at once. I was able to see God's purpose, not my own.
As I was laying there praying for my heart and my broken relationship with what was now an old friend, I was finally able to let a little more go. For the last couple of weeks I had been fooling myself thinking "letting go" is as easy as actually doing it. However, I finally learned that it is a process...and I am still taking it step by step.
I've learned that it is good to see the bad in people, it helps to allow that change and that growth to take place without holding on. Not to brag, but I have a gift for always seeing the good and the potential in people. I am not complaining by any means, but sometime my judgement can be clouded when all I want is for the person to let that good shine through.
It is amazing to know that God has not once left my side and is holding my tighter than ever as I continue to take baby steps towards the edge for a better view. I have learned to let go of false hope in thinking some people can change and become the people I am suppose to have in my life forever. I always envisioned that that was the real reason to hold on and make things work was because we were meant to be together forever. However, I have now seen that I cannot always be the post to lean on, sometimes I need someone to lean on too and I cannot continue to push forward when someone is holding me back. Eventually MY light would burn out if I am always trying to ignite someone elses.
Maybe eventually we can become friends again, but only time will tell. The theory is good, but the relationship my not be. I realized that people were brought into my life to allow me to witness to someone, share in their walk and hard times, as well as to show me that love does exist. They were also brought into my life to bring me closer to the one man that will never break my heart.
My relationship with Christ has grown in such a short time, its amazing. Although it has been tear filled and full of crazy moments, I know that not once He has left my side. I know that He is collecting my tears and crying with me. I know He is in the process of making me stronger; as a person, as a leader, and as His.
It is amazing to see what in just 15 minutes alone with God can bring into focus and allow me to see with a clear mind and an open heart. I am so excited to see what God has in store for me, I just need to learn patience to allow it to take place in His
time, not mine. For that, I am truly grateful for every break in my heart, every person lifting me up in prayer and encouragement, and every conversation Christ has had with me.
I know this situation has happened to me for a reason, and God has already allowed me to use it in many ways, and I know He isn't finished yet.
Thank you so much to listening to the story for my first broken heart and if it has touched you in anyway I would love to hear! Either comment down below, message me on Facebook, or send me an email kaleighb@yahoo.com
God Bless and Love Always,
Kaleigh
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