Can't Keep Pretending

So I have been trying to think of something to write about in hopes of keeping the streak alive, but couldn't think of anything. UNTIL, earlier in the week I had a customer come to my teller window and share something with me that really got me to start thinking.

I love my job and the fact that we are community based and are enabled to build relationships with our customers. You may think, "Whats the big deal, you work at a bank and you're just a teller." Yes, that is true; however I have come to learn that in my experience I use to dread going to the bank but knew I needed to because my money was important...and people's money is important to them.

I see customers come and go with the occasional conversation and catch up on how life has been going and what not. General questions like, "Hey how is it going", "How was your weekend/day", "How are the kids doing" and so on. How many times have we been asked those questions and give just a basic response like, "I'm good, things are good, life is good, how are you?". Do you ever wonder what it would be like if someone gave a response you were not expecting and how you would react? Maybe it has happened before. Well for me it happened earlier this week.

A customer I have come to know occasionally over the last year has been coming in almost weekly the last month or so. Every time I see her, I greet her by her name and ask the general, "Hi how you?". Every time she responds the same, sometimes even with a little humor, but nonetheless she says she is fine. I go about doing her transactions, asking about her son and her new dog he got her and she could go on for hours if time allowed talking about them both. Every time she leaves me with a friendly "See ya later" and a smile, and we both go about our day.

Well this week was different, this week I had to tell her as she made her deposit, that her account had gone negative do to excessive overdraft fees (almost $500 in fees). She looked at me in shock. Her response was, "I knew it was going to be negative, but I didn't know by this much...I really don't know what to do." I've heard people explain why their account went negative or why they tried to spend money they did not have, but nothing like this.

Immediately she broke down in tears, right there at my teller window. The bright bubbly lady that always tells me everything is fine, was breaking down and sharing her story with ME. Truth is, over the last year she was diagnosed with breast cancer and a few months ago she had to have a bilateral mastectomy (both breasts removed). I had no idea. She went on to say that since the procedure she has not been herself as she has tried to face the physical pain of it all, and banking was the last thing on her mind. She told me that she always told everyone she was fine because she didn't want people to think she was weak, but now she doesn't know what to do.

In her case, she needed our help. She explained that she had finally woke up and had been without pain for a few days now and felt like she was ready to get back on her feet. She felt that she was ready to look for a job, be a mom, and be a grandma again. She went on to tell me that she pretended to be okay, even to her family. When she finally expressed that she was in pain (months later) her son didn't know how to take it, because she had acted and said she was okay for so long.

Have you ever been in that type of situation? Ever feel like you have to put on a brave face because you either don't want to let anyone in or you don't want people to think you are weak? Have you ever, after pretending for so long, try to be honest and they weren't sure how to respond because they were use to everything being 'just fine'? However if you let someone in, they can help pull you out. By pretending, we only mask the hurt or devastation we are feeling. By pretending, we are purposefully leaving our self alone to deal with the situation. As she turned to leave that afternoon, she left me with the simple phrase, "Don't Pretend."

As I thought about this conversation and that two word phrase, I compared it to a similar situation I have been praying about and trying to make a decision with. Out of four open teller windows she choose to come to me and share her story with me and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I've come to notice that in many ways I've pretended, and all for what? It only masks the truth and those who really know you, know the truth.

I've come to learn that God works in crazy, unexplainable, and purposeful ways. Just when you think you cannot listen anymore, he shows you otherwise. Just when I thought I was suppose to be getting something completely different out of the prayer I had been betting on, He showed me otherwise. He doesn't want us to pretend, and even when we are He knows the truth...so really who are we trying to hide from?

"For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy. Jesus has already done everything to make me right before God. The Holy Spirit continues to make me more like Jesus every day of my life. The finish line is when I enter eternity with my Savior. Until then I must remember everyday that I need a Savior." - Hebrews 10:14

Fear vs. Faith

And FAITH wins every time.

I was reading back through my journal and stumbled upon something I wrote on December 21st...a week before I realized a certain someone no longer had a hold on my heart. Just days before I found out information that only reassured me that I had made the right decision and should continue letting go, even as a friend. I don't know if anyone really reads what I have to say or what I have on my heart, but if you are thank you.
I hope you can respect my honesty and with that, I'll give you a peek at one of the first steps I took in completely guarding my heart and allowing only God to hold the key...until one day it's ready to be open again by my prince.

"So today I have been facing major anxiety over something I need to let go of and something I have no control over. I know I will have my good days and bad days, but I cannot help but worry about someone I once cared so much about. I fear for his life, decisions, mind and heart. I cannot control his actions, not anymore. I know he needs to fall in his own way...I just don't want to watch it happen. Lord, I know you have Your hands on him and I just want to let go...he is out of my hands and in yours."


That was my prayer, that was my heart crying out. That was what I had to lift off my heart and place in God's hands, not as an ex-girl friend, not as an ex-best friend, not even for him...but for me. For me to let go and let God. For me to lift up a brother in Christ and allow myself to move forward on MY journey with Jesus. For me to forgive.

You see, I let fear of my past and fear of what I could not change allow me to waver...something that only detours a path. I allowed fear to take over and allow me to turn my eyes away from the prize, for even a brief second. When all of this anxiety and fear started to take over, I thought back to a Gracemail Pastor Mark sent out the week before and how he talked about fear. Here is what I took from it:

"So he answered, 'Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.'" - 2 Kings 6:16

"Fear knocked at the door, Faith answered, and there was no one there" - Unknown
("It's all in how you approach things. If you cave into fear, it will overwhelm you; if you stand firm in God's strength, it will retreat." - Pastor Mark Martin)

"God incarnate is the end of fear, and the heart that realizes that He is in the midst will be quiet in the midst of alarm." - F.B. Meyer

"For I hold you by your right hand - I the Lord your God. And I say to you, 'Don't be afraid, I am here to help you.'" - Isaiah 41:13

The Bible says "DO NOT FEAR" 366 times, once a day including a leap year. God has our lives covered - Do Not Fear. God is our strength.

"Fear is the sand in the machinery of life." - E. Stanley Jones He also said, "Fear will mess you up. It is grit in your life, and you do not need it...AMEN!"

"Do Not Fear" - It is a choice and you can't choose fear, Faith will win every time.


Once I gave up the fear of what tomorrow would bring and the fear of "what if" moments...I was able to fully move forward. People may think I'm crazy, and should not be moving forward as quick as I am, but I've come to realize that I have a shield much greater than anything I could ever imagine. I've realized that God had been preparing me for that moment in November...to learn to trust Him and stop fighting His desires for me just so I could remain "comfortable". I've learned being "comfortable" does not allow you to live life to the fullest, as Christ wants us to. (John 10:10) It has allowed me to not fear my past and let go of present feelings about the past. It allowed me use my story as a testimony and not something to mourn over.

I do not regret a moment in the last five years of my life, learning to love, learning to trust, and learning to grow. I don't regret getting to know someone, getting to lead them and walk with them to Christ, and I definitely don't regret finally listening to my heart and letting go. There was a reason God brought us together and there is a reason God brought us apart, and for that I cannot regret. I've learned to forgive from my heart and live the life God has planned for me.
I've learned to trust the one person that eliminates fear, and guess what...FAITH won!

Dancin in the Rain

So as you woke up this morning you have all probably noticed the storm front that has come about. And if you have been listening or watching the news you probably have learned that this storm is set to be a big one.


Last week I went to visit one of my Young Life girls after she came home from knee surgery. Two of her best friends, who were also my Young Life girls, were also over visiting. As we were sitting and catching up on life, we noticed that the rain was starting up again. Earlier in the evening, I was hesitant to leave my house and go visit, just because I didn't want to get caught in the storm. However, it had cleared up enough for me to go and be there for her. As I was driving over there, this got me thinking of all of the times we stay reserved in stepping out in our faith, in fear of the hard ships we might face and the trials or mess the storm might bring. Fear holds us back.

10 "Listen, my son, accept what I say and the years of your life will be many. 11 Instruct you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. 12 When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble." Proverbs 4:10-12

21 "Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, 22 set His seal of ownership on us, and put His spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.....24 Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy, because its by faith you stand firm." 2 Corinthians 1:21, 22, 24

As the storm started up again while we were continuing to visit, one of the girls got really scared and wanted to go home; however none of us wanted her to leave until it cleared up enough for her to drive (the rain was coming down so hard we couldn't see across the street).
Again, I thought of all the fears storms bring and it’s when the storms come that we want to run home, where we feel the most secure. Instead of embracing the storm, we tend to fear it.

18 "You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety." Job 11:18 (If you know little or none about the book of Job....he faced MANY storms and the Lord gave him security to overcome)

31 "As for God, His way is perfect. The Lord's word is flawless; He shields all who take refuge in Him. 32 For who is God besides the lord? And who is the Rock except our God? 33 It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure." 2 Samuel 22: 31-33


The next day, I woke up to get ready for work, and noticed through my blinds the sun was out and all that was left were scattered leaves and a few puddles. I immediately grabbed my phone to text the one girl who I had been scared the night before. She had been up late talking with me after she got home, to help ease her fears of being "alone". I am glad she was able to turn to me as a friend, and all of this may seem cliché, but isn't that what God is for? To talk with when our fears seem to be too much, and to know we are never alone. Isn't that why he gives us storms, ensuring that we may turn to him for help? As we learn to embrace the storms we face, we start to see the sun that breaks through after the rain is gone, and that we were never alone.

29 He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. 30 They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. 31 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind." Psalm 107 29:31


When I texted her, I simply told her that that a new day laid ahead of here, there is always calm after the storm, and God always sends the Sun. Even though we find it hard to think about that in the moment, when we are getting hit from every direction with wind, rain (and sometimes even hale), we have to remember that God always sends SUN to shine and shed light on what just happened. Just as he sent his SON to shed light on what lies ahead and clean up our mess caused by the storm of sin. This allows us to see the mess of which we were in and the strength He has given us to continue forward, On Wings Like Eagles.

31 "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

As a new storm seems to be creeping its way into Arizona , don't forget to think about:

DON'T Be Hesitant to go forward in fear of the storm.
You can ALWAYS Run Home to a safe place and you are NEVER alone.
EMBRACE the Storm, don't fear it.
There will ALWAYS be Sun after the storm, for the greatest SON has already come and continues to shine.


"Life isn't about how to survive the storm (since that's already been taken care of), but learning how to dance in the rain." - Unknown

Broken Hearts, Open Eyes.

Every time I am up at camp I learn something new, it never fails....just like Jesus' love. Two weekends ago I was up at winter camp 2010 and it was the weirdest trip I have been a part of. All of the other leaders and of coarse my girls were absolutely amazing, but I was facing a spiritual battle (including the week leading up to camp).

To speed you up to the present, I had to let someone close to me go, because they weren't the person I once knew. It did not mean I did not love them any less, however I knew for my own sanity and heart it was something that had to be done; and it was one of the hardest conversations I ever had to do. Brokenness is never easy to overcome, especially in the situation I was in, but I knew God was holding me and my heart.

The week before camp I was exhausted...physically, mentally, and spiritually. The night before we left, I came home from work, fell asleep on my bed that had laundry sprawled out needing to be packed, and woke up the next day still in my work clothes. I kept praying for the strength and courage to face the weekend, knowing I was going to have to face the person that broke my heart. Once at camp I felt relief and a sense of calming, however I was always nervous of what was in store with every conversation and every situation. Eventually everything caught up to me, the exhaustion, the stress, the fear and I had to break down and ask for help. With tears streaming down my face, I asked my friend to pray for me and help me when I could no longer help myself. At that moment I could literally feel the weight of the brokenness and hurt be lifted off my heart and shoulders and I had a new found strength...God took upon my yoke.

About an hour later came my favorite part of camp, even as a leader. It was the 15 minute quiet time...time to spend with God. Can you imagine a camp of 500+ people go from absolute chaos during the day to absolute silence for 15 minutes! It is always an incredible experience, and this is what I came to realize...

During my 15 minutes, I was expecting to cry (since that is what I was doing just an hour before). I took the time to lay and look up at the stars (and of coarse shiver). I was, for the first time in weeks, able to pray with a clear head and not have a million and one things running though my mind all at once. I was able to see God's purpose, not my own.

As I was laying there praying for my heart and my broken relationship with what was now an old friend, I was finally able to let a little more go. For the last couple of weeks I had been fooling myself thinking "letting go" is as easy as actually doing it. However, I finally learned that it is a process...and I am still taking it step by step.

I've learned that it is good to see the bad in people, it helps to allow that change and that growth to take place without holding on. Not to brag, but I have a gift for always seeing the good and the potential in people. I am not complaining by any means, but sometime my judgement can be clouded when all I want is for the person to let that good shine through.

It is amazing to know that God has not once left my side and is holding my tighter than ever as I continue to take baby steps towards the edge for a better view. I have learned to let go of false hope in thinking some people can change and become the people I am suppose to have in my life forever. I always envisioned that that was the real reason to hold on and make things work was because we were meant to be together forever. However, I have now seen that I cannot always be the post to lean on, sometimes I need someone to lean on too and I cannot continue to push forward when someone is holding me back. Eventually MY light would burn out if I am always trying to ignite someone elses.

Maybe eventually we can become friends again, but only time will tell. The theory is good, but the relationship my not be. I realized that people were brought into my life to allow me to witness to someone, share in their walk and hard times, as well as to show me that love does exist. They were also brought into my life to bring me closer to the one man that will never break my heart.

My relationship with Christ has grown in such a short time, its amazing. Although it has been tear filled and full of crazy moments, I know that not once He has left my side. I know that He is collecting my tears and crying with me. I know He is in the process of making me stronger; as a person, as a leader, and as His.

It is amazing to see what in just 15 minutes alone with God can bring into focus and allow me to see with a clear mind and an open heart. I am so excited to see what God has in store for me, I just need to learn patience to allow it to take place in His
time, not mine. For that, I am truly grateful for every break in my heart, every person lifting me up in prayer and encouragement, and every conversation Christ has had with me.

I know this situation has happened to me for a reason, and God has already allowed me to use it in many ways, and I know He isn't finished yet.

Thank you so much to listening to the story for my first broken heart and if it has touched you in anyway I would love to hear! Either comment down below, message me on Facebook, or send me an email kaleighb@yahoo.com

God Bless and Love Always,

Kaleigh

It's not about what you've done, but whats been done for you.

Wow the last month of my life has been been crazy. Full of ups, downs, mixed emotions, happy thoughts, memories made and work work work!

This semester I will officially be done with ASU (well at least school wise....and I will have years of loans to still pay off lol).
I do not regret a moment spent being a Sun Devil and would not take back the friendships made for anything. As my internship slowly continues to wrap up, I find my self contemplating, "is this it?". I have been in school since I was four years old and now at twenty-two I am finally done. There has to be something more.

I would have never guessed I would be working with non-profits and in a field of work where money is not what you get paid with. I always thought when I finally finished school I would be off doing bigger and greater things, and not working for free. HOWEVER when I took the time to look at everything from more of a "Glass Half Full" approach I saw that its not about the money, and never will be. I absolutely love working within ministry and getting paid with eternal rewards and not just a paper check every two weeks. I have been lucky enough to be blessed with a wonderful steady paid job, however, which helps pay the bills.


Aside from all of this, and although it may be hard to see the point I am getting at; Life Is Short - plain and simple. I know I hear people say it all of the time, but what does it really mean??

It means that you can work all of your life and save up millions without ever being happy. It means that you can work for minimum wage and have all of the riches in Heaven. It means that the simplest things can be the greatest things.It means that God and Love are the backbones to everything that surrounds us. It means taking the time to take in natures beauty. It means telling someone you love them before it is to late. It means to live in the moment. It means to accept the past, learn from the furture, and expect the unexpected for the future. It means that everything can change in an instant. It means you never know which breath might be your last.

This past week I have encountered: fear (of a loved one in pain and poor health), stress (of finances), sadness (for family members decisions), confusion (as to why people choose to hurt others, even kill), happiness (for new found relationships), joy (in doing something nice for someone else), encouragement (for seeing so many new faces show up on a Monday night), and relief (for the way God continues to make everything okay and loves me despite it all).


Though everything and each step I take everyday towards the end of this life and the beginning of my new one; I realize I am not alone and never was. I've learned that through all of the challenges I face a much greater reward is ahead of me. I see that I am loved for the very person I am. I understand that it is not about the years of school I complete or the job I have in the end, that is about what I do with the tools I have been given.

I know this entry has been a little back and fourth, but hey isn't that not how real life is? Its up, its down, its RaNd0M, its out there, it doesn't always make sense, but its MINE and its how I make it to be.

Love Always,

K!

My Paper Heart

If you know me (or have ever rode in the same car as me) you will know that I am not musically inclined by any means. HOWEVER I love love love lyrics♥ I love to take the time to actually listen and hear what the song is saying and picture the story that is being told. That is one of the main reasons why I don't like to listen to rap and other types of negative music. I love "happy feel-good music", something that doesn't tear you down. As someone with a relationship with Christ...worship/inspriational music is the perfect escape from the craziness of life, and anything ACUSTIC. Here is the most recent set of lyrics that stuck out and clung to my heart...and just so happens it's about my heart landing in God's hands♥

My paper heart is Yours now
I have landed in Your hands
Come so far to find out
My life will never be the same
Since you wrote Your name
On my paper heart

Hi, my name is Kaleigh and this is my personal blog about life♥ Whatever happens to make me smile, bring back memories (or create new ones), spike a new interest, or just inspire me to hop on blogger and type away....this is it. You may find me boring, but I think my life is pretty neat♥ Enjoy!

Q & A

The letter "y" is a little letter often lost towards the end of the alphabet, but when you put a "wh" in front of it, it turns into a BIG word. God is the only one who can tame it, when it is hard to control and understand.

This is something I have found myself pondering from time to time, and often when I am stuck in desert place. With the downturn in economy, I have seen more hardships and hurts then I ever have before. However, it has brought me closer to the people I love most and has helped us to bond and work together to make it through.

My dad has always been the strongest person I have ever known, and not just physically. Working in construction has really took a toll on his work load, but not his faith. I admire that he is not afraid to turn to God and admit that he is struggling and needs help and direction. I have seen so much of God's work shine through my dad in these last few months and it helps to bring light to the darkness.

Then there is my mom; she is the glue that holds us all together. Even when she is stressed or at her end she continues to love each of us and does not let us forget it. Seeing my parents work together and support one another is such a blessing. It goes to show that there is love out there that lasts and marriage is a bond that cannot and should not be broken. ♥it will be 25 years on March 27th♥

Next, there is my brother. He is truly one of my best friends and someone I look up to. He doesn't usually share his feelings or like to just talk, but when it comes to sharing God's word you can see where his heart lies. Growing up we would fight like all siblings do and mom would always tell us we would love each other one day, and she was right. I am so fortunate to have him in my life.

Finally, there are the friends I have been blessed with. I love friends because they are the family we get to choose. Its funny how people come in and out of our lives yet those who truly love us, stick by our sides. My mom always told me that if I can count my real/true friends on one hand then I am truly blessed. Over the years I have had to put a few fingers down but it is the ones that still remain that will never ever leave my heart...and that I am truly thankful for.

Even with all of the questions that churn in my head each and every day...I know at the end of the day its going to be okay...especially when I see who is there to help walk beside me. Only one person I know holds the key to all the answers to my questions and one day I will get to meet him...and I can't wait for that time. But until then I am blessed to get the chance to wait it out with some pretty amazing people.