I'm Not Who I Was

I Was Born at a Very Young Age:

I was born at a very young age in Phoenix, Arizona to two amazing people, my mom and dad. I feel privileged to say I grew up in a traditional household where my parents are still together to this day. We would go to church regularly, pray before meals and bed, talk about Jesus and be shown the ways of life through love, even “tough love”. My parents blessed me with a little brother when I was only two years old, however I did not always see him as a blessing.

My brother Robert and I were typical siblings that fought A LOT! We have always been competitive at heart and games would never last more than five minutes (ten if we were lucky) for the simple fact that it would always end in some kind of brawl and mom would step in and tell us to go find something else to play….separately. Needless to say, we were always finding “something else to play” on a pretty regular basis. She also would tell us that one day we would become best friends. We would always roll our eyes and reply, “Okay, yeah right mom.” But mom was right. I am honored to say my little brother is one of my absolute best friends and I could not ask for a better one. He has taught me so much and led me in so many ways that I am truly thankful for him, his heart and his guidance (yes, even as a little brother).

Taking a step back and pushing aside the fact that Robert and I would get into the occasional sibling clash, we also got to do a lot of stuff together – like camping (a lot of camping), sports, traveling and travel sports (that sometimes included camping). This allowed us to grow a lot as a family and as individuals – however it tended to take us away on the weekends which resulted in taking us away from church. Robert and I had a falling out with church once high school and junior high rolled around but we eventually found our ways back…and this is how I did.

How I Met The Love Of My Life:

As I mentioned, I grew up knowing who Christ was and what he did for me but it did not necessarily mean I completely understood what that meant. Not knowing that allowed me to get mixed in with the wrong group of people, who did not help me to see who Christ was. I have always strived to be the “nice girl” and was always seen as a rule follower even when I hung out with the kind of people that strived to be just the opposite. It made certain decisions hard to decipher but I am proud to say that through all of the obstacles I have faced running with the wrong crowd, that I was able to walk away staying true to myself and my morals. However, I wanted to seek why that was. I wanted to know why I had certain standards, morals and ways that I wanted to live my life. I wanted to figure out why my heart was always made heavy in certain situations and why I felt the need to live my life differently.

I had been invited to youth groups, including Young Life, several times in high school but I never wanted to step out of my comfort zone and try something new. That was until my brother invited me to check out this thing called Campaigners at Brian and Amy Orlovich’s house the summer before my sophomore year of college. I had no idea what it was but I was intrigued and wanted to check it out. It happened to be that night that the group was talking about what it meant to have a relationship with Jesus – something I had never considered before. So there I sat in a room full of high schoolers (and two adults) and I had my eyes and heart reopened; something that I would later learn that Young Life was all about.

A few days after meeting the Orlovich’s, Amy asked me if I would like to be a Young Life leader. I thought she was kidding. I cautiously accepted and met with her and Debbie Griggs to talk about what this whole Young Life thing was all about. I know now that it was purely Jesus that made the moves to make everything come into place and meet me right where I was, but he definitely used key people and ministries to help get the job done. I am honored to say that I have now been leading Young Life for three (going on four) years, and show no signs of stopping anytime soon. Needless to say, Jesus has done wonders in the way I see things, react to adversity and continue to run towards him every day. Just like my parents did as I was growing up, He has shown me and grown me through love – His love especially and the love of others too.

Life is Beautiful, Embrace It:

Every walk and path has speed bumps and obstacles along the way that the enemy tries to use to detour us back onto the beaten path; and mine was no different. I had the tremendous speed bump of a broken heart, a broken heart that would turn into one of the greatest transformations to take place. I came to a point in a relationship with one of my best friends (and boyfriend of five years) where I had to completely trust in Christ and believe that he had His hand on the entire situation. If this kind of situation would have taken place at the beginning of our relationship, I am not sure what I would have ultimately done; but God had been preparing me. He has used this relationship to teach me new things and allow me to teach new things to someone else. However, there is a point where He wanted both of us to let go and move in new directions separately. Looking back to almost a year ago, it was apparent that He was doing big things at the time of tears and confusion. He allowed my heart to be broken by someone else in order for Him to put the pieces back in the way He saw fit, not the way I did. In that time, I was able to see more beauty and more elegance in every little piece of my life. It helped transform me as person, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a co-worker and most importantly, a leader.

I know my path is far from over and I know obstacles like these won’t be the last, but one thing I am sure of is the strength he has instilled in me through all of it. I like to say now that I am fearless. Not because it sounds cool or something like that, but for the pure fact that that is what He wants from us.

"For I hold you by your right hand - I the Lord your God. And I say to you 'Don't be afraid, I am here to help you.'" - Isaiah 41:13

Things that use to put me on edge or shut me down because of fear have now faded into nothing but a small stone in my lighted path. Part of it simply comes from growing up, but the majority of it comes from the security of knowing I am His and He is there to catch me when I am standing on the edge. One of my favorite sayings that I was told when I was going through one of life’s storms was:

“When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go. Only one of two things will happen: either He will catch you when you fall or He will teach you how to fly!”

It’s now so easy to see the design He has mapped out through His son and His word. John 10:10 is highlighted in ever aspect of life and he has allowed us to embrace that and take in the beauty of it all – especially though the little things.

I would like to personally thank you for taking the time to read about me and read about a small glimpse of what my life has been like this far. I know there is a lot more ahead and I am extremely excited to hang on and enjoy the ride, fearlessly.

Can't Keep Pretending

So I have been trying to think of something to write about in hopes of keeping the streak alive, but couldn't think of anything. UNTIL, earlier in the week I had a customer come to my teller window and share something with me that really got me to start thinking.

I love my job and the fact that we are community based and are enabled to build relationships with our customers. You may think, "Whats the big deal, you work at a bank and you're just a teller." Yes, that is true; however I have come to learn that in my experience I use to dread going to the bank but knew I needed to because my money was important...and people's money is important to them.

I see customers come and go with the occasional conversation and catch up on how life has been going and what not. General questions like, "Hey how is it going", "How was your weekend/day", "How are the kids doing" and so on. How many times have we been asked those questions and give just a basic response like, "I'm good, things are good, life is good, how are you?". Do you ever wonder what it would be like if someone gave a response you were not expecting and how you would react? Maybe it has happened before. Well for me it happened earlier this week.

A customer I have come to know occasionally over the last year has been coming in almost weekly the last month or so. Every time I see her, I greet her by her name and ask the general, "Hi how you?". Every time she responds the same, sometimes even with a little humor, but nonetheless she says she is fine. I go about doing her transactions, asking about her son and her new dog he got her and she could go on for hours if time allowed talking about them both. Every time she leaves me with a friendly "See ya later" and a smile, and we both go about our day.

Well this week was different, this week I had to tell her as she made her deposit, that her account had gone negative do to excessive overdraft fees (almost $500 in fees). She looked at me in shock. Her response was, "I knew it was going to be negative, but I didn't know by this much...I really don't know what to do." I've heard people explain why their account went negative or why they tried to spend money they did not have, but nothing like this.

Immediately she broke down in tears, right there at my teller window. The bright bubbly lady that always tells me everything is fine, was breaking down and sharing her story with ME. Truth is, over the last year she was diagnosed with breast cancer and a few months ago she had to have a bilateral mastectomy (both breasts removed). I had no idea. She went on to say that since the procedure she has not been herself as she has tried to face the physical pain of it all, and banking was the last thing on her mind. She told me that she always told everyone she was fine because she didn't want people to think she was weak, but now she doesn't know what to do.

In her case, she needed our help. She explained that she had finally woke up and had been without pain for a few days now and felt like she was ready to get back on her feet. She felt that she was ready to look for a job, be a mom, and be a grandma again. She went on to tell me that she pretended to be okay, even to her family. When she finally expressed that she was in pain (months later) her son didn't know how to take it, because she had acted and said she was okay for so long.

Have you ever been in that type of situation? Ever feel like you have to put on a brave face because you either don't want to let anyone in or you don't want people to think you are weak? Have you ever, after pretending for so long, try to be honest and they weren't sure how to respond because they were use to everything being 'just fine'? However if you let someone in, they can help pull you out. By pretending, we only mask the hurt or devastation we are feeling. By pretending, we are purposefully leaving our self alone to deal with the situation. As she turned to leave that afternoon, she left me with the simple phrase, "Don't Pretend."

As I thought about this conversation and that two word phrase, I compared it to a similar situation I have been praying about and trying to make a decision with. Out of four open teller windows she choose to come to me and share her story with me and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I've come to notice that in many ways I've pretended, and all for what? It only masks the truth and those who really know you, know the truth.

I've come to learn that God works in crazy, unexplainable, and purposeful ways. Just when you think you cannot listen anymore, he shows you otherwise. Just when I thought I was suppose to be getting something completely different out of the prayer I had been betting on, He showed me otherwise. He doesn't want us to pretend, and even when we are He knows the truth...so really who are we trying to hide from?

"For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy. Jesus has already done everything to make me right before God. The Holy Spirit continues to make me more like Jesus every day of my life. The finish line is when I enter eternity with my Savior. Until then I must remember everyday that I need a Savior." - Hebrews 10:14

Fear vs. Faith

And FAITH wins every time.

I was reading back through my journal and stumbled upon something I wrote on December 21st...a week before I realized a certain someone no longer had a hold on my heart. Just days before I found out information that only reassured me that I had made the right decision and should continue letting go, even as a friend. I don't know if anyone really reads what I have to say or what I have on my heart, but if you are thank you.
I hope you can respect my honesty and with that, I'll give you a peek at one of the first steps I took in completely guarding my heart and allowing only God to hold the key...until one day it's ready to be open again by my prince.

"So today I have been facing major anxiety over something I need to let go of and something I have no control over. I know I will have my good days and bad days, but I cannot help but worry about someone I once cared so much about. I fear for his life, decisions, mind and heart. I cannot control his actions, not anymore. I know he needs to fall in his own way...I just don't want to watch it happen. Lord, I know you have Your hands on him and I just want to let go...he is out of my hands and in yours."


That was my prayer, that was my heart crying out. That was what I had to lift off my heart and place in God's hands, not as an ex-girl friend, not as an ex-best friend, not even for him...but for me. For me to let go and let God. For me to lift up a brother in Christ and allow myself to move forward on MY journey with Jesus. For me to forgive.

You see, I let fear of my past and fear of what I could not change allow me to waver...something that only detours a path. I allowed fear to take over and allow me to turn my eyes away from the prize, for even a brief second. When all of this anxiety and fear started to take over, I thought back to a Gracemail Pastor Mark sent out the week before and how he talked about fear. Here is what I took from it:

"So he answered, 'Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.'" - 2 Kings 6:16

"Fear knocked at the door, Faith answered, and there was no one there" - Unknown
("It's all in how you approach things. If you cave into fear, it will overwhelm you; if you stand firm in God's strength, it will retreat." - Pastor Mark Martin)

"God incarnate is the end of fear, and the heart that realizes that He is in the midst will be quiet in the midst of alarm." - F.B. Meyer

"For I hold you by your right hand - I the Lord your God. And I say to you, 'Don't be afraid, I am here to help you.'" - Isaiah 41:13

The Bible says "DO NOT FEAR" 366 times, once a day including a leap year. God has our lives covered - Do Not Fear. God is our strength.

"Fear is the sand in the machinery of life." - E. Stanley Jones He also said, "Fear will mess you up. It is grit in your life, and you do not need it...AMEN!"

"Do Not Fear" - It is a choice and you can't choose fear, Faith will win every time.


Once I gave up the fear of what tomorrow would bring and the fear of "what if" moments...I was able to fully move forward. People may think I'm crazy, and should not be moving forward as quick as I am, but I've come to realize that I have a shield much greater than anything I could ever imagine. I've realized that God had been preparing me for that moment in November...to learn to trust Him and stop fighting His desires for me just so I could remain "comfortable". I've learned being "comfortable" does not allow you to live life to the fullest, as Christ wants us to. (John 10:10) It has allowed me to not fear my past and let go of present feelings about the past. It allowed me use my story as a testimony and not something to mourn over.

I do not regret a moment in the last five years of my life, learning to love, learning to trust, and learning to grow. I don't regret getting to know someone, getting to lead them and walk with them to Christ, and I definitely don't regret finally listening to my heart and letting go. There was a reason God brought us together and there is a reason God brought us apart, and for that I cannot regret. I've learned to forgive from my heart and live the life God has planned for me.
I've learned to trust the one person that eliminates fear, and guess what...FAITH won!